Tension.

If i was going to see my lover before i left tonight was the night. I was having a farewell dinner at his families place. I wasnt sure whether he would be there or not but he came. Its the first time we had seen or spoken to each other since Sunday. The first hello was kind of awkward, i could feel the tension as we made small talk. During dinner it wasnt getting any better. I know he isnt happy with me but i hope he realises how sorry and upset i am. He hugged me goodbye though and wished me a safe trip. I guess thats all i can ask for at this point in time. I want to be able to send him an email while im overseas. I hope he replies and we can get over this stupid mess.

On the other hand my bestfriend is moving and he has spent the last three days up in the big smoke and i havent been able to see him. It kind of breaks my heart... i know ill only be away from 6 weeks but i talk to him everyday im going to miss the shit out of him and i just wanted to hang out a little bit. Im going to see him tomorrow but that will only be for a couple of hours. Its not long enough. I dont know what ill do without him.

Can I Just Ask For One Favor?

I just get really pissed off when i try and be a really good friend and go to all of my friends gigs and other important stuff then when i have one thing that i want my friends to come too they completely forget and make other plans. Im sick of being the good guy and never getting anything back in return. I've recently made a really close friend and she's female for once and were really alike and she is going to come to my graduation show tonight so i don't have to go alone. Im glad i've got her. She's great.

No Reply.

I messaged him and apologised. What i did was so wrong, i should have never looked at his messages. I wish i didnt get caught and i wish i never did it because it was all for nothing, nothing is going on. Now he is pissed off at me and wont reply to my messages. I just wish he would have said something to me you dont just sleep with someone then be distant without the other person suspecting something. We were having a great time then nothing. He barely spoke to me... and his reasoning behind it because he didnt want to hurt me and lead me on... he wasnt! Now i feel like an absolute idiot and i dont want to see him, it will be horrible. But im leaving on friday, i dont want to go without closure. This is driving me insane. Im so embarrassed.

Recurring.

Fuck. I just did the worst thing. I stayed with my lover last night and he was very distant and he's like that sometimes but we were doing great until we slept together then it was like nothing. And so i just had this urge to look at his messages while he was in the shower to see if there were any girls. Im not usually like that, i trust the people im with. But something seemed up. And i was right, it was a named id never heard before and the messages were flirty and meet me here and so on... ive realised that the name is a nickname for his ex. I dont understand how he can want her after all she has done and when im here. But when i read them i freaked out i was shaking so i just left. He just messaged me asking where i went and if anything happened on his phone because it was unlocked... i just said i felt like you didnt want me there and that my phone died so i was checking the time and by habit unlocked it. He then asked if i happened to go through his messages... playing dumb i replied nope why would i do that...( in my haste i must of forgot to get out of the ex's messages....fuck) He said that he thought someone was fuckin with him? :/ he totally knows i did it. ive fucked everything up.

Again.

He came over just after lunch for a bit of fun. Its so damn good. Its going to happen again before i leave i can feel it. This little love affair is so exciting. But its our little secret, okay?

Can i just have them both?

ive been tripping out on these two loves of mine.... why is it so easy with my bestfriend? and so difficult and frustrating with the person who i actually want to be with? my bestfriend has the ablitiely to make you feel like the most important person and i dont think its an act its just very hard to know whether or not he is actually into me. and i know he doesnt want to be in a relationship and im fine with that. ive told him what i thought and he said that he didnt want to lead me on but you know in the back of my mind its just like but what if we're actually meant to be together? its just this bizarre feeling, we have this intense sexual chemistry and i can honestly tell him anything its as though we have been together for years.
But on the other hand, my lover is new and exciting and he drives me insane. i never know what he is thinking and thats kind of hard to deal with sometimes but he blows my mind i think hes super amazing and funny and talented and i think he is a total babe despite what he thinks, every time i see him he gets me giddy inside. but there is something missing, i dont expect anyone to be 100% ''into me'' i just feel as though im soooo far from his mind that i shouldnt even bother or it'll break my heart in the long run by the lack of attention...