Tension.

If i was going to see my lover before i left tonight was the night. I was having a farewell dinner at his families place. I wasnt sure whether he would be there or not but he came. Its the first time we had seen or spoken to each other since Sunday. The first hello was kind of awkward, i could feel the tension as we made small talk. During dinner it wasnt getting any better. I know he isnt happy with me but i hope he realises how sorry and upset i am. He hugged me goodbye though and wished me a safe trip. I guess thats all i can ask for at this point in time. I want to be able to send him an email while im overseas. I hope he replies and we can get over this stupid mess.

On the other hand my bestfriend is moving and he has spent the last three days up in the big smoke and i havent been able to see him. It kind of breaks my heart... i know ill only be away from 6 weeks but i talk to him everyday im going to miss the shit out of him and i just wanted to hang out a little bit. Im going to see him tomorrow but that will only be for a couple of hours. Its not long enough. I dont know what ill do without him.

Can I Just Ask For One Favor?

I just get really pissed off when i try and be a really good friend and go to all of my friends gigs and other important stuff then when i have one thing that i want my friends to come too they completely forget and make other plans. Im sick of being the good guy and never getting anything back in return. I've recently made a really close friend and she's female for once and were really alike and she is going to come to my graduation show tonight so i don't have to go alone. Im glad i've got her. She's great.

No Reply.

I messaged him and apologised. What i did was so wrong, i should have never looked at his messages. I wish i didnt get caught and i wish i never did it because it was all for nothing, nothing is going on. Now he is pissed off at me and wont reply to my messages. I just wish he would have said something to me you dont just sleep with someone then be distant without the other person suspecting something. We were having a great time then nothing. He barely spoke to me... and his reasoning behind it because he didnt want to hurt me and lead me on... he wasnt! Now i feel like an absolute idiot and i dont want to see him, it will be horrible. But im leaving on friday, i dont want to go without closure. This is driving me insane. Im so embarrassed.

Recurring.

Fuck. I just did the worst thing. I stayed with my lover last night and he was very distant and he's like that sometimes but we were doing great until we slept together then it was like nothing. And so i just had this urge to look at his messages while he was in the shower to see if there were any girls. Im not usually like that, i trust the people im with. But something seemed up. And i was right, it was a named id never heard before and the messages were flirty and meet me here and so on... ive realised that the name is a nickname for his ex. I dont understand how he can want her after all she has done and when im here. But when i read them i freaked out i was shaking so i just left. He just messaged me asking where i went and if anything happened on his phone because it was unlocked... i just said i felt like you didnt want me there and that my phone died so i was checking the time and by habit unlocked it. He then asked if i happened to go through his messages... playing dumb i replied nope why would i do that...( in my haste i must of forgot to get out of the ex's messages....fuck) He said that he thought someone was fuckin with him? :/ he totally knows i did it. ive fucked everything up.

Again.

He came over just after lunch for a bit of fun. Its so damn good. Its going to happen again before i leave i can feel it. This little love affair is so exciting. But its our little secret, okay?

Can i just have them both?

ive been tripping out on these two loves of mine.... why is it so easy with my bestfriend? and so difficult and frustrating with the person who i actually want to be with? my bestfriend has the ablitiely to make you feel like the most important person and i dont think its an act its just very hard to know whether or not he is actually into me. and i know he doesnt want to be in a relationship and im fine with that. ive told him what i thought and he said that he didnt want to lead me on but you know in the back of my mind its just like but what if we're actually meant to be together? its just this bizarre feeling, we have this intense sexual chemistry and i can honestly tell him anything its as though we have been together for years.
But on the other hand, my lover is new and exciting and he drives me insane. i never know what he is thinking and thats kind of hard to deal with sometimes but he blows my mind i think hes super amazing and funny and talented and i think he is a total babe despite what he thinks, every time i see him he gets me giddy inside. but there is something missing, i dont expect anyone to be 100% ''into me'' i just feel as though im soooo far from his mind that i shouldnt even bother or it'll break my heart in the long run by the lack of attention...    

Love Potion.

He puts a spell on me and i cant control myself, there is something wrong with me. Im an idiot. I slept with my bestfriend again. This secret affair has to stop but its so damn good. But is it only good because its bad? He has heaps of girls on the go but hes to scared to sleep with any of them... so why can he sleep with me? why am i so special... but i dont think im special at all. Its this heavy trance that we are both under and its insane. I have to stop before it gets too out of hand.

Oh Lover.

After a couple of weeks of flirting and what not we slept together again. So lovely, ive been waiting for so long to get back to this familiar place and i never want to leave. My lover is the most mysterious person ive ever met he's a complete tripper (caused from years of being a stoner) and i never know whats going on in his head. And to be honest all this flirting kind of tripped me out i have know idea where it came from, as far as i was concerned i figured he didnt want a bar of me. Ive basically got two weeks before my holiday so i hope it stays this way. All i want to do is hang out with him and do naughty things, its nice.

So Indie.

you know what, when girls go through their indie quirky 90's grunge all different hair colour phase no matter how cool and individual they may seem they always look way more beautiful when they dye their hair to a natural colour. is this mean of me? i had bright red hair and pink hair so i guess thats a bit hypocritical but i donno... i just saw a girls blog and she wears all different coloured wigs but then i found i picture of her with long brown hair and she looked amazing. it makes me want to watch 'A Lot Like Love' totally gonna do it!

Non Stop.

Ive been so busy for the last three weeks... Ive had to paint the whole inside of a 3 bedroom house and i still need to finish it and paint some of the outside. The owners are complete perfectionists and neat freaks and they want to move in on saturday but i probably wont be finished which is fine i can paint while they move in.. but they cant have that, its just ridiculous : /
Its also my last semester of uni and Ive failed a subject because Im trying to get this house finished so that is annoying i dont want to come back next year for that. But its my last week i need to set up my studio then thats it. Glad its over. My mum wanted me to work at her shop and I havent even been there its so bad. Ive had gigs and parties in melbourne and it never seems to end. Im usually a very organised person but i feel like Ive lost the plot, Ive also had the worst luck lately after my last post i tried to start my mums car and it wouldnt start so thats great. I spilt a can of white paint all over the gear stick of my dads car, i ruined my bestfriends artwork completely smashing the glass and too top it off i injured my leg at volleyball tuesday night.... i hope thats the last of it, its got to be right?
Aside from that my lover has started to message me again and things are looking up its exciting and i hope it goes well!!!
Also three weeks until my holiday :)

Whoops.

so my parents are away and im house sitting. yesterday i drove my mums car into the drive way and smashed into the brick fence and pushed it over... apart from that there is a huge scratch on the side of mums car. it feels kind of like a teen movie situation folks go away kid fucks shit up. so now my options are get it all fixed before they come back which who knows how much it will cost or just tell them and face the disappointment. the next logical step is to get a quote and see how much it will cost to get the car fixed before i decide to do anything... im such an idiot. i have the worst luck!

Interesting.

so i was hanging out with my bestfriends sister (girls night) we talked about past lovers and girl things like that. which is very different for me because most of my friends are male and its not like they want to know anything about that... strangely. so a couple of days ago i told her about me and her brother and she completely understood the situation and because my lover is her cousin they are close and they talk and this is basically what she told me. my lover is completely interested in me but he is scared shitless. scared my expectations are to high to be in a relationship. scared that he will have to choose me over music and scared that it wont work out. so what needs to be done is i need to talk to him because for me these things arnt an issue. i want my relationship to be more of a friendship im not a typical girlfriend im not overwhelming and i dont care if you want to go out and do your own thing. im ridiculously independent myself so i would only expect the same. and as much as love is my biggest obsession in life i understand priority and ones self should be at its highest and for my lover that is music. thats what makes him him and to be honest i would love nothing more than to listen to him play guitar all the time. and the issue of it not working out, thats life and why regret it instead of trying. id rather know especially when we are so right for each other. anyway wow, i donno. i need to say something. reassure him that everything will be okay. we will be okay. 

Sweetness.

we hadnt really talked much after what happened. but he messaged me tonight. he's sweet. all hope has not been lost. all i want is for him to put his arms around me and hold me tight. i hope this happens soon.

Naughty.

It feels so good because its so wrong, but i dont want to stop it.

Really?

fuck. so my lover just posted a status (stupid fuckin facebook bullshit) 'My lunch has been cut alot lately. Sux.' Really? i mean fuckin REALLY? okay so i slept with your bestfriend and he made out with the girl you like but dont vent your shit on facebook say it to my face if you have a problem with what ive done. he never replied to my message so he has no right to make people feel sorry for him. we werent seeing each other anymore because he doesnt want anything more with me. its not my fault im trying to move on. then someone said theyre not worth your time or your heart. excuse me for being utterly and completely in love with you and you not wanting me. i dont post how much its tearing me apart inside and how im trying to hold back from crying everyday. so pissed off but i cant say anything about it. 

Change.

i just rented a storage space. im going to be leaving the nunnery by the 2nd of october. then im house sitting my parents house for 6 weeks whilst theyre in america. then they come back and i leave the day after to go to europe for 6 weeks. this is all a bit confronting as ive got a shit load of uni work to finish. its my last semester. and im working for my dad while hes gone for 3 days a week as well as looking after my mums shop for another 2 days. my car broke down the other week and hopefully im getting it tomorrow if not ill be so annoyed. im kind of freakin out a little now.

Secrets.

so ive been contemplating even writing this on here for over a week i donno if i should but anyway... i slept with my bestfriend last week and again on friday and we decided not to tell anyone because of the implications. he is also one of my female bestfriends ex's and she told me if i ever got with him it would break her heart. but im selfish i put my own wants before my friend, i donno i didnt feel bad about it and ive wanted to do it since i was 15. he was my high school crush i wanted to know what it would be like. i dont ever really want her to know but she probably will eventually. so it was lovely but it wasnt romantic or im not really sure what the word is or how to describe it but it was purely a friendship thing there was love there but it wasnt lust and we're both fine and agree with what it was, but there is still so much guilt. we said it would have been a one time thing but we were home alone on friday and things just happen... but im sure its not going to happen again. the reason for this is because he told my lover what happened.... which is his bestfriend/cousin... so ive basically ruined everything again. he wasnt angry at us but he wasnt exactly happy about it either. so i donno, they had a deep and meaningful about it all and apparently he said he couldnt give me what i wanted and that he is going to stop anything happening with us again. so i donno ive just lost all hope in love and in my relationship with my lover. every guy ive ever hooked up with or been on a date with has been subconsciously compared to my ex and no one has even come close to measuring up to what we were until my lover so it just breaks my heart that the one person im in sync with cant love me back. but im only 21 and i shouldnt be getting myself into anything serious. maybe it will happening in the future when hes ready in a few years. and as for the way ive been going its very unlikely that ill meet someone. there is a little bit of awkwardness there i was over at their place just before, so i think i need to message my lover and just say im sorry. there isnt much else i can do and im not even sure if im really that sorry. i wouldnt be doing it if he only wanted me and its not my fault that he hasnt hooked up with anyone else yet. which is going to hurt me so much more. so i guess thats the end for now. 

Family.

This weekend has been kind of weird. My lover's little brother wanted me to go watch him play footy on Saturday morning for his grand final and the only way i could go was if i went with one of my bestfriends parents; they are so lovely they make me feel like their daughter anyway. Theyre also my lovers aunt and uncle... confusing? So family day with the future in-laws... and it was great. Bestfriends mother wants me to have kids with his son.. super cute i might just have too. Later that day i get a message from his sister asking if i could come to her gig tonight and help look after her boyfriends daughter. I wasnt doing much that night just hanging out with my female bestfriend so we went and so didnt know what we were getting ourselves into!! It was a maori's 50th heaps of fun and love in the air. Before sister played there was some performances by the islanders with music and dancing and near the end the dancers went through the audience and picked out some people to dance on stage... we got chosen, so funny but amazing shakin my hips with a huge chief maori dude. Later that night some italian Pavarotti opera singer got up then a KD Lang look a like haha it was all a bit crazy. So now its sunday and i just got a message bestfriends sister again asking to come to family dinner tonight. Im going i gotta go get ready, but is that weird that ive spent so much time with his family, without him... it kinda is but oh well im gonna do it anyway!

Worst.

last night my lover had a gig it was amazing, he is a total babe and i cant even start to describe how amazing he is and how much he blows my mind :) im going to watch his little brothers grand final tomorrow morning.. so cute. i love his family and everything about him...
but the worst thing last night was ''the babe'' was there, i knew he was going to be there but i donno i didnt really know how to prepare myself for it.. i didnt really want to see him.. i never replied to his msgs and i hadnt seen or spoken to him in a month... since our one night stand. i said hi, i spoke to him but of course i was awkward, im terribly awkward at the best of times. so i thought that would be it but no... we went to another bar and i went to dance with some friends and he just stood there... what? he left all his friends and followed me around it was creepy i wanted him to leave and if he wasnt going too, i surely was. i was driving and he asked for a lift i politely said no... i had my dads ute so i could only take one person and it wasnt going to be him. i felt pressured and i couldnt take it anymore, my lover had gone so there was no point of me being there so the first chance i got i bolted. in hindsight what i did was completely rude but im really not interested and if i was i would have made that clear. i dont know what  it is maybe that fact the he wants me to much and thats just too overwhelming for such a loner like myself or that im 100% emotionally involved with someone else even though theyre not 100% emotionally involved with me. its all just a bit silly, but whatever....

These Tunes.

being slightly smashed alone listening to tunes is nice.
im there now.
ive gone with


Gotye - state of the art
Incubus - in the company of wolves
             - Hilikus
311- 816am
Albert Hammond Jr. - GFC




                         just for starters... 

So Lovely.

we're like an old married couple. we watched a doco then went to sleep. oh my, this boy gets to me. every little thing i adore. 

Fail.

so last night i feel down the stairs like not even just slipped and fell on my ass i full on over estimated the third step from the bottom and twisted my ankle and face planted on the floorboards.... i wasn't even drunk. my foot is fucked, so swollen and i can barely walk so that was the first total bummer.... but was actually really funny i wish someone saw it happen! 
second bummer i was driving to uni today and my car started to rattle and i could smell smoke then i could see smoke and i was freakin out so i pulled over then my car wouldn't start.... racv came and the dude said it was probably my head gasket...AWESOME! that'll cost me around $1000 so much for feeling comfortable with my money sitch overseas... now i don't have a car for who knows how long...
but things come in threes right? what is gonna happen to me tomorrow... i feel like i should just stay in bed all day... i could die... ahhh

To Move.

and wow a post that doesnt include my ugly obsession with love...
one of my housemates is moving to melbourne in a month and my other house mate is seriously thinking about it too however he doesnt have a place to go yet. my folks are going to america in a month so im house sitting and then when they get back i go overseas for six weeks and here lies my predicament... do i move out of my place and put everything at my parents place while im overseas so i dont have to pay any rent and then move somewhere else once i get back... which i have no idea where to go? or leave everything at my place and have no one to keep an eye on it and then keep living here with none of my friends when i get back? i dont like this pickle im in. everything is kind of pointing to moving back to melbourne but ive already got a good paying job down here...

Empty.

i feel so empty.

there is no aspect of my life that i am 100% content with.

i've lost all confidence in myself, i'm so unsure.

i wish i was that 16 year old girl i used to be who just knew.

im scared.

This is a story of a girl who cried a river ect.

Story of my life... you're the coolest and one of the most beautiful girls ive ever known but you deserve better than me so i think we should just be friends.

Well no, you DO deserve me coz ive chosen you for a reason and im really fuckin picky and if im the coolest chick you know then why the fuck wouldnt you want me? why doesnt anybody want to be my boyfriend? this same old shit keeps happening they just want me for my sex, i should just become a prostitute then that way i could make some money out of it.

I cant understand why i keep getting rejected when i'm apparently the most amazing chick ever...

what. the. fuck!

and another thing is it wrong for me to think its disrespectful for my lover ''friends with benefits" to feel okay with saying how hot another chick is around me and to ultimately get with someone in front of me if we were both out? i didn't think so but apparently thats fine and he wouldn't give a shit if i got with someone in front of him.... which is so hypocritical when he said he tripped out with he heard i got with ''the babe,'' fuck it, i'm kind of pissed off so i'm thinking what the fuck i'm gonna go hook up with someone in front of him and see how it actually makes him feel. i'm also so pissed off at how blatantly obivous he is about how much he is in love with this girl... fuck everything... fuck my life.... (emo rant... apologies)

Pause.

last night i laid all my cards on the table, i told my lover that i couldnt do the friends with benefits thing anymore because i like him to much ect... it was really hard to do, but i couldnt keep going with all these emotions running through me. he didnt reply for three hours and in those three hours i cried.. a lot. i sent a msg saying 'please say something' because it was killing me. he replied with guilt and sadness the last thing he wanted or meant to do was hurt me. i know his situation and i need to let him go before i can have him. we spoke for a while and i learnt that sleeping with the babe was pretty much the worst thing i could have done... lover was content with just me until he was told i slept with the babe and at first it tripped him out but now has given him confidence that he could go out and try to hook up too.... shit!

ive woken up with the huge weight lifted and that feels good because i know it was driving me insane and i needed to let him know how i was feeling because he really had no idea. i just need some time now. go into hibernation. dont go out with the guys and things of that nature. and because i know i dont want a relationship anytime before i go overseas if in the not to distant future we decide to try the friends with benefits thing again i wont feel as fucked because everything is out in the open now. there will just have to be some rules made for that.

i know we will be together, this just has to happen first.

Whats Logical?

I've been trying to work out everything in a logical fashion today. here i go again with the over thinking... i thought i wanted to be single until i started seeing my lover and so he changes the game and i feel as though not wanting to say ''the one" but there is potential for great things there, i believe. The problem is that i'm going to have to wait, i think for a very long time too. First thing i have to wait for is for him to completely get over his ex.... they were together for basically seven years its a big deal. and secondly that makes him believe he has missed out on so much of his youth... going out ect... where as i have done that already and id rather stay home, i do still like going out just not every weekend and getting absolutely fucked...that does have to do with where we live though. and with that comes the one night stands, he's slept with three people and as much as i cant imagine him becoming some stud, i know i have to let him go out and do it otherwise he would completely resent me in the long run.

so i know i have to let him do this.... but for my own sanity do i stop seeing him? that will leave me lonely but will it make me less attached to him? fuck i don't know. should i tell him how i'm feeling... or only some of it.. i don't want to scare him off completely. i know i do get too emotionally involved with guys, but this weekend really hurt me, i wish it didn't have to be so complicated and the timing was right. the timing is never right.

Care Bear.

Don't worry about me, i always feel like i’ve been forgotten.

Fuck it. Im not gonna msg him, ill wait. I need to stop thinking so much. I don't think he really cares about me.

Happy Birthday.

i was out last night it was a friends birthday, she was trashed, she made out with one of my bestfriends and that was a big drama in itself because another one of our friends, his bestfriend has been keen on this girl for awhile but i wont go into that. she came up to me and was like 'i dont know what to do i just made out with friend 1 but another friend, friend 2 told me to make out with ''my lover'' ,but she was all like 'but there cousins and thats gross i cant do that.....' i was like yeah totally thats so wrong you probably shouldn't (insert breaking heart)... and thats only because i know how much my lover digs this chick and apparently he was planning on hooking up with her last night... awesome... now i know me and lover are meant to be ''friends with benefits'' but that fuckin hurt... and he always does that, makes me feel insecure by saying how 'hot chicks are' and 'oh god the things i would do to her' i just wish i actually had no emotional connection to him. so much pain. and i knew this would happen. the only reason i slept with the babe the other weekend is so i could do it first instead of feeling lonely when he gets some chick.... this didn't help and i just feel so much regret. plus he wasn't there that night, i would never try to hook up with anyone else if he was around. next time the guys go out i'm not going, i cant deal with it. i'm going to stay home and watch Will & Grace.

anyway that put a complete downer on my night amongst so many other things and my lover could tell i wasn't happy and he kept asking what was wrong... i couldn't tell him right? thats way to heavy for our ''friends with benefits'' situation. i did go home with him but nothing happened we just went to sleep... i donno, i think he's gotta go out and experience other people before he can fully be with me.. i just hope he doesn't meet someone better.

Sight.

i get to see him tonight :) everything seems okay now... im excited. gonna go get ready.

...

i slept with babe. regret. lover messaged the ex that night. selfish to assume it was because he knew i was going to be with the babe? he fucked up. i stood there watching him on the phone with her for over 20 mins last night. they fought. but it still doesn't make me feel any better. i feel like no one. i don't understand this feeling. his baggage is overwhelming. i don't know what to do?

Double Date.

So i was gonna go out tomorrow night to meet the other guy... its not a date, more of a meet and greet. he lives on the other side of the country and we've only been messaging each other for the past month (he's a real babe).

i asked a couple of my friends to come with me for support, one of them (friend 1) asked my lover to come... before he had realised what he had done, he'd said yes. friend 2 thinks this would be a good thing and make my lover jealous. friend 1 doesn't agreed and either do i. i don't want to play games, i want to be with my lover. i'm hoping it wont be that bad... i'm not overly affectionate and i'm not a good flirt. so heres hoping he just assumes he is an old friend and everything will be okay. babe will leave in a few days anyway and everything will go back to the way it was. fuck i over think everything. it'll be fine.

Alone?

he had a bad day and he said he is in the town over, alone... where would he be alone? she lives in that town. i want him here with me. especially when i am going to give up the opportunity to be with someone else.

The Ex Files.

she drives him crazy and en turn drives me crazy.

she cheated on him with so many guys and said horrible things about him, except he feels guilty for his influence and can never let her go.

she made her own decisions in life, he needs to except that.

whenever he says her name it makes me want to spew and for some weird reason i feel as though im not good enough because im not her.

but im so much better than her and so much better for him.

he seemed so distant tonight.... its because he saw her today.

he just messaged me. he wants my company. i feel a little better now.

Scent.

I can smell him on me even though ive had a shower. its nice.

First.

So after many months of unrequited love bullshit we've finally slept together.

I was a bit worried... were my expectations too high or would i ruin the friendship.

So to my surprise it was pretty much perfect, the connection is almost unbearable.

I honestly believe that this is the best thing that could happen to both of us romantically.

But i don't want to get ahead of myself and what i might want, may be different to what he wants.

And that scares me. Does he just want this to be a casual fling or will it progress into something more?

I dont want to get hurt, i haven't felt this alive and safe for about four years.... fuck.

He makes me feel as though nothing else matters when he holds me tight.

Am i in to deep? Probably...

I think he's perfect and he thinks i'm amazing so why cant that just be it?

Personal.

ive decided to dedicate this blog to being a personal one.

ive never been the type to have a diary but i think im just gonna write some shit on here, how im feeling ect... not really sure if its a good thing and probably wont last very long knowing me haha but if you want to see fun stuff then www.816am.tumblr.com is the place to go :)

what it is...

and you said i was beautiful and amazing.

i cant believe how perfect the feeling is.

and i don't wanna push you,

but i really think this could work out.

ill wait and wait, but with all my selfishness

i really hope my love and affection

doesn't give you the confidence to roam.

i said it'll just be fun, but i want so much more.

fuck.

i really dig the boy.

Sweetness.

Oh Crush.

he lives on the other side of the country. i just want he back here. at least for a day. hes a babe.

In Bed.

A Dream.

Move.

Imagined Truth.

we'll live in a log cabin on the hill in the country side.

with two little boys by our side.

we'll own two cats and just one dog.

hand in hand with sweet dialogue.

desire.

Interiors 8.

Interiors 7.

Interiors 6.

Interiors 5.

Interiors 4.

Interiors 3.

Interiors 2.

Interiors 1.

Bed Peace.

Fruit Skulls.

MK.

self.

For You.

who's gonna save my soul - Gnarls Barkley

Desire.

Drown.

311 Day Yall.

best band in the whole world yeah.

Burn Baby Burn.

Violence.

Single Saturn.

Pretty Dress.

Styles.