Empty.

i feel so empty.

there is no aspect of my life that i am 100% content with.

i've lost all confidence in myself, i'm so unsure.

i wish i was that 16 year old girl i used to be who just knew.

im scared.

This is a story of a girl who cried a river ect.

Story of my life... you're the coolest and one of the most beautiful girls ive ever known but you deserve better than me so i think we should just be friends.

Well no, you DO deserve me coz ive chosen you for a reason and im really fuckin picky and if im the coolest chick you know then why the fuck wouldnt you want me? why doesnt anybody want to be my boyfriend? this same old shit keeps happening they just want me for my sex, i should just become a prostitute then that way i could make some money out of it.

I cant understand why i keep getting rejected when i'm apparently the most amazing chick ever...

what. the. fuck!

and another thing is it wrong for me to think its disrespectful for my lover ''friends with benefits" to feel okay with saying how hot another chick is around me and to ultimately get with someone in front of me if we were both out? i didn't think so but apparently thats fine and he wouldn't give a shit if i got with someone in front of him.... which is so hypocritical when he said he tripped out with he heard i got with ''the babe,'' fuck it, i'm kind of pissed off so i'm thinking what the fuck i'm gonna go hook up with someone in front of him and see how it actually makes him feel. i'm also so pissed off at how blatantly obivous he is about how much he is in love with this girl... fuck everything... fuck my life.... (emo rant... apologies)

Pause.

last night i laid all my cards on the table, i told my lover that i couldnt do the friends with benefits thing anymore because i like him to much ect... it was really hard to do, but i couldnt keep going with all these emotions running through me. he didnt reply for three hours and in those three hours i cried.. a lot. i sent a msg saying 'please say something' because it was killing me. he replied with guilt and sadness the last thing he wanted or meant to do was hurt me. i know his situation and i need to let him go before i can have him. we spoke for a while and i learnt that sleeping with the babe was pretty much the worst thing i could have done... lover was content with just me until he was told i slept with the babe and at first it tripped him out but now has given him confidence that he could go out and try to hook up too.... shit!

ive woken up with the huge weight lifted and that feels good because i know it was driving me insane and i needed to let him know how i was feeling because he really had no idea. i just need some time now. go into hibernation. dont go out with the guys and things of that nature. and because i know i dont want a relationship anytime before i go overseas if in the not to distant future we decide to try the friends with benefits thing again i wont feel as fucked because everything is out in the open now. there will just have to be some rules made for that.

i know we will be together, this just has to happen first.

Whats Logical?

I've been trying to work out everything in a logical fashion today. here i go again with the over thinking... i thought i wanted to be single until i started seeing my lover and so he changes the game and i feel as though not wanting to say ''the one" but there is potential for great things there, i believe. The problem is that i'm going to have to wait, i think for a very long time too. First thing i have to wait for is for him to completely get over his ex.... they were together for basically seven years its a big deal. and secondly that makes him believe he has missed out on so much of his youth... going out ect... where as i have done that already and id rather stay home, i do still like going out just not every weekend and getting absolutely fucked...that does have to do with where we live though. and with that comes the one night stands, he's slept with three people and as much as i cant imagine him becoming some stud, i know i have to let him go out and do it otherwise he would completely resent me in the long run.

so i know i have to let him do this.... but for my own sanity do i stop seeing him? that will leave me lonely but will it make me less attached to him? fuck i don't know. should i tell him how i'm feeling... or only some of it.. i don't want to scare him off completely. i know i do get too emotionally involved with guys, but this weekend really hurt me, i wish it didn't have to be so complicated and the timing was right. the timing is never right.

Care Bear.

Don't worry about me, i always feel like i’ve been forgotten.

Fuck it. Im not gonna msg him, ill wait. I need to stop thinking so much. I don't think he really cares about me.

Happy Birthday.

i was out last night it was a friends birthday, she was trashed, she made out with one of my bestfriends and that was a big drama in itself because another one of our friends, his bestfriend has been keen on this girl for awhile but i wont go into that. she came up to me and was like 'i dont know what to do i just made out with friend 1 but another friend, friend 2 told me to make out with ''my lover'' ,but she was all like 'but there cousins and thats gross i cant do that.....' i was like yeah totally thats so wrong you probably shouldn't (insert breaking heart)... and thats only because i know how much my lover digs this chick and apparently he was planning on hooking up with her last night... awesome... now i know me and lover are meant to be ''friends with benefits'' but that fuckin hurt... and he always does that, makes me feel insecure by saying how 'hot chicks are' and 'oh god the things i would do to her' i just wish i actually had no emotional connection to him. so much pain. and i knew this would happen. the only reason i slept with the babe the other weekend is so i could do it first instead of feeling lonely when he gets some chick.... this didn't help and i just feel so much regret. plus he wasn't there that night, i would never try to hook up with anyone else if he was around. next time the guys go out i'm not going, i cant deal with it. i'm going to stay home and watch Will & Grace.

anyway that put a complete downer on my night amongst so many other things and my lover could tell i wasn't happy and he kept asking what was wrong... i couldn't tell him right? thats way to heavy for our ''friends with benefits'' situation. i did go home with him but nothing happened we just went to sleep... i donno, i think he's gotta go out and experience other people before he can fully be with me.. i just hope he doesn't meet someone better.

Sight.

i get to see him tonight :) everything seems okay now... im excited. gonna go get ready.

...

i slept with babe. regret. lover messaged the ex that night. selfish to assume it was because he knew i was going to be with the babe? he fucked up. i stood there watching him on the phone with her for over 20 mins last night. they fought. but it still doesn't make me feel any better. i feel like no one. i don't understand this feeling. his baggage is overwhelming. i don't know what to do?

Double Date.

So i was gonna go out tomorrow night to meet the other guy... its not a date, more of a meet and greet. he lives on the other side of the country and we've only been messaging each other for the past month (he's a real babe).

i asked a couple of my friends to come with me for support, one of them (friend 1) asked my lover to come... before he had realised what he had done, he'd said yes. friend 2 thinks this would be a good thing and make my lover jealous. friend 1 doesn't agreed and either do i. i don't want to play games, i want to be with my lover. i'm hoping it wont be that bad... i'm not overly affectionate and i'm not a good flirt. so heres hoping he just assumes he is an old friend and everything will be okay. babe will leave in a few days anyway and everything will go back to the way it was. fuck i over think everything. it'll be fine.

Alone?

he had a bad day and he said he is in the town over, alone... where would he be alone? she lives in that town. i want him here with me. especially when i am going to give up the opportunity to be with someone else.

The Ex Files.

she drives him crazy and en turn drives me crazy.

she cheated on him with so many guys and said horrible things about him, except he feels guilty for his influence and can never let her go.

she made her own decisions in life, he needs to except that.

whenever he says her name it makes me want to spew and for some weird reason i feel as though im not good enough because im not her.

but im so much better than her and so much better for him.

he seemed so distant tonight.... its because he saw her today.

he just messaged me. he wants my company. i feel a little better now.