Happy Birthday.

i was out last night it was a friends birthday, she was trashed, she made out with one of my bestfriends and that was a big drama in itself because another one of our friends, his bestfriend has been keen on this girl for awhile but i wont go into that. she came up to me and was like 'i dont know what to do i just made out with friend 1 but another friend, friend 2 told me to make out with ''my lover'' ,but she was all like 'but there cousins and thats gross i cant do that.....' i was like yeah totally thats so wrong you probably shouldn't (insert breaking heart)... and thats only because i know how much my lover digs this chick and apparently he was planning on hooking up with her last night... awesome... now i know me and lover are meant to be ''friends with benefits'' but that fuckin hurt... and he always does that, makes me feel insecure by saying how 'hot chicks are' and 'oh god the things i would do to her' i just wish i actually had no emotional connection to him. so much pain. and i knew this would happen. the only reason i slept with the babe the other weekend is so i could do it first instead of feeling lonely when he gets some chick.... this didn't help and i just feel so much regret. plus he wasn't there that night, i would never try to hook up with anyone else if he was around. next time the guys go out i'm not going, i cant deal with it. i'm going to stay home and watch Will & Grace.

anyway that put a complete downer on my night amongst so many other things and my lover could tell i wasn't happy and he kept asking what was wrong... i couldn't tell him right? thats way to heavy for our ''friends with benefits'' situation. i did go home with him but nothing happened we just went to sleep... i donno, i think he's gotta go out and experience other people before he can fully be with me.. i just hope he doesn't meet someone better.