Pause.

last night i laid all my cards on the table, i told my lover that i couldnt do the friends with benefits thing anymore because i like him to much ect... it was really hard to do, but i couldnt keep going with all these emotions running through me. he didnt reply for three hours and in those three hours i cried.. a lot. i sent a msg saying 'please say something' because it was killing me. he replied with guilt and sadness the last thing he wanted or meant to do was hurt me. i know his situation and i need to let him go before i can have him. we spoke for a while and i learnt that sleeping with the babe was pretty much the worst thing i could have done... lover was content with just me until he was told i slept with the babe and at first it tripped him out but now has given him confidence that he could go out and try to hook up too.... shit!

ive woken up with the huge weight lifted and that feels good because i know it was driving me insane and i needed to let him know how i was feeling because he really had no idea. i just need some time now. go into hibernation. dont go out with the guys and things of that nature. and because i know i dont want a relationship anytime before i go overseas if in the not to distant future we decide to try the friends with benefits thing again i wont feel as fucked because everything is out in the open now. there will just have to be some rules made for that.

i know we will be together, this just has to happen first.