Secrets.

so ive been contemplating even writing this on here for over a week i donno if i should but anyway... i slept with my bestfriend last week and again on friday and we decided not to tell anyone because of the implications. he is also one of my female bestfriends ex's and she told me if i ever got with him it would break her heart. but im selfish i put my own wants before my friend, i donno i didnt feel bad about it and ive wanted to do it since i was 15. he was my high school crush i wanted to know what it would be like. i dont ever really want her to know but she probably will eventually. so it was lovely but it wasnt romantic or im not really sure what the word is or how to describe it but it was purely a friendship thing there was love there but it wasnt lust and we're both fine and agree with what it was, but there is still so much guilt. we said it would have been a one time thing but we were home alone on friday and things just happen... but im sure its not going to happen again. the reason for this is because he told my lover what happened.... which is his bestfriend/cousin... so ive basically ruined everything again. he wasnt angry at us but he wasnt exactly happy about it either. so i donno, they had a deep and meaningful about it all and apparently he said he couldnt give me what i wanted and that he is going to stop anything happening with us again. so i donno ive just lost all hope in love and in my relationship with my lover. every guy ive ever hooked up with or been on a date with has been subconsciously compared to my ex and no one has even come close to measuring up to what we were until my lover so it just breaks my heart that the one person im in sync with cant love me back. but im only 21 and i shouldnt be getting myself into anything serious. maybe it will happening in the future when hes ready in a few years. and as for the way ive been going its very unlikely that ill meet someone. there is a little bit of awkwardness there i was over at their place just before, so i think i need to message my lover and just say im sorry. there isnt much else i can do and im not even sure if im really that sorry. i wouldnt be doing it if he only wanted me and its not my fault that he hasnt hooked up with anyone else yet. which is going to hurt me so much more. so i guess thats the end for now.