Really?

fuck. so my lover just posted a status (stupid fuckin facebook bullshit) 'My lunch has been cut alot lately. Sux.' Really? i mean fuckin REALLY? okay so i slept with your bestfriend and he made out with the girl you like but dont vent your shit on facebook say it to my face if you have a problem with what ive done. he never replied to my message so he has no right to make people feel sorry for him. we werent seeing each other anymore because he doesnt want anything more with me. its not my fault im trying to move on. then someone said theyre not worth your time or your heart. excuse me for being utterly and completely in love with you and you not wanting me. i dont post how much its tearing me apart inside and how im trying to hold back from crying everyday. so pissed off but i cant say anything about it. 

Change.

i just rented a storage space. im going to be leaving the nunnery by the 2nd of october. then im house sitting my parents house for 6 weeks whilst theyre in america. then they come back and i leave the day after to go to europe for 6 weeks. this is all a bit confronting as ive got a shit load of uni work to finish. its my last semester. and im working for my dad while hes gone for 3 days a week as well as looking after my mums shop for another 2 days. my car broke down the other week and hopefully im getting it tomorrow if not ill be so annoyed. im kind of freakin out a little now.

Secrets.

so ive been contemplating even writing this on here for over a week i donno if i should but anyway... i slept with my bestfriend last week and again on friday and we decided not to tell anyone because of the implications. he is also one of my female bestfriends ex's and she told me if i ever got with him it would break her heart. but im selfish i put my own wants before my friend, i donno i didnt feel bad about it and ive wanted to do it since i was 15. he was my high school crush i wanted to know what it would be like. i dont ever really want her to know but she probably will eventually. so it was lovely but it wasnt romantic or im not really sure what the word is or how to describe it but it was purely a friendship thing there was love there but it wasnt lust and we're both fine and agree with what it was, but there is still so much guilt. we said it would have been a one time thing but we were home alone on friday and things just happen... but im sure its not going to happen again. the reason for this is because he told my lover what happened.... which is his bestfriend/cousin... so ive basically ruined everything again. he wasnt angry at us but he wasnt exactly happy about it either. so i donno, they had a deep and meaningful about it all and apparently he said he couldnt give me what i wanted and that he is going to stop anything happening with us again. so i donno ive just lost all hope in love and in my relationship with my lover. every guy ive ever hooked up with or been on a date with has been subconsciously compared to my ex and no one has even come close to measuring up to what we were until my lover so it just breaks my heart that the one person im in sync with cant love me back. but im only 21 and i shouldnt be getting myself into anything serious. maybe it will happening in the future when hes ready in a few years. and as for the way ive been going its very unlikely that ill meet someone. there is a little bit of awkwardness there i was over at their place just before, so i think i need to message my lover and just say im sorry. there isnt much else i can do and im not even sure if im really that sorry. i wouldnt be doing it if he only wanted me and its not my fault that he hasnt hooked up with anyone else yet. which is going to hurt me so much more. so i guess thats the end for now. 

Family.

This weekend has been kind of weird. My lover's little brother wanted me to go watch him play footy on Saturday morning for his grand final and the only way i could go was if i went with one of my bestfriends parents; they are so lovely they make me feel like their daughter anyway. Theyre also my lovers aunt and uncle... confusing? So family day with the future in-laws... and it was great. Bestfriends mother wants me to have kids with his son.. super cute i might just have too. Later that day i get a message from his sister asking if i could come to her gig tonight and help look after her boyfriends daughter. I wasnt doing much that night just hanging out with my female bestfriend so we went and so didnt know what we were getting ourselves into!! It was a maori's 50th heaps of fun and love in the air. Before sister played there was some performances by the islanders with music and dancing and near the end the dancers went through the audience and picked out some people to dance on stage... we got chosen, so funny but amazing shakin my hips with a huge chief maori dude. Later that night some italian Pavarotti opera singer got up then a KD Lang look a like haha it was all a bit crazy. So now its sunday and i just got a message bestfriends sister again asking to come to family dinner tonight. Im going i gotta go get ready, but is that weird that ive spent so much time with his family, without him... it kinda is but oh well im gonna do it anyway!

Worst.

last night my lover had a gig it was amazing, he is a total babe and i cant even start to describe how amazing he is and how much he blows my mind :) im going to watch his little brothers grand final tomorrow morning.. so cute. i love his family and everything about him...
but the worst thing last night was ''the babe'' was there, i knew he was going to be there but i donno i didnt really know how to prepare myself for it.. i didnt really want to see him.. i never replied to his msgs and i hadnt seen or spoken to him in a month... since our one night stand. i said hi, i spoke to him but of course i was awkward, im terribly awkward at the best of times. so i thought that would be it but no... we went to another bar and i went to dance with some friends and he just stood there... what? he left all his friends and followed me around it was creepy i wanted him to leave and if he wasnt going too, i surely was. i was driving and he asked for a lift i politely said no... i had my dads ute so i could only take one person and it wasnt going to be him. i felt pressured and i couldnt take it anymore, my lover had gone so there was no point of me being there so the first chance i got i bolted. in hindsight what i did was completely rude but im really not interested and if i was i would have made that clear. i dont know what  it is maybe that fact the he wants me to much and thats just too overwhelming for such a loner like myself or that im 100% emotionally involved with someone else even though theyre not 100% emotionally involved with me. its all just a bit silly, but whatever....

These Tunes.

being slightly smashed alone listening to tunes is nice.
im there now.
ive gone with


Gotye - state of the art
Incubus - in the company of wolves
             - Hilikus
311- 816am
Albert Hammond Jr. - GFC




                         just for starters... 

So Lovely.

we're like an old married couple. we watched a doco then went to sleep. oh my, this boy gets to me. every little thing i adore. 

Fail.

so last night i feel down the stairs like not even just slipped and fell on my ass i full on over estimated the third step from the bottom and twisted my ankle and face planted on the floorboards.... i wasn't even drunk. my foot is fucked, so swollen and i can barely walk so that was the first total bummer.... but was actually really funny i wish someone saw it happen! 
second bummer i was driving to uni today and my car started to rattle and i could smell smoke then i could see smoke and i was freakin out so i pulled over then my car wouldn't start.... racv came and the dude said it was probably my head gasket...AWESOME! that'll cost me around $1000 so much for feeling comfortable with my money sitch overseas... now i don't have a car for who knows how long...
but things come in threes right? what is gonna happen to me tomorrow... i feel like i should just stay in bed all day... i could die... ahhh

To Move.

and wow a post that doesnt include my ugly obsession with love...
one of my housemates is moving to melbourne in a month and my other house mate is seriously thinking about it too however he doesnt have a place to go yet. my folks are going to america in a month so im house sitting and then when they get back i go overseas for six weeks and here lies my predicament... do i move out of my place and put everything at my parents place while im overseas so i dont have to pay any rent and then move somewhere else once i get back... which i have no idea where to go? or leave everything at my place and have no one to keep an eye on it and then keep living here with none of my friends when i get back? i dont like this pickle im in. everything is kind of pointing to moving back to melbourne but ive already got a good paying job down here...